This is random.
Living with hope:
If i'm forced to conceive of my own death, i can only imagine myself being killed. I cannot conceive of my own death, except as somebody or something coming and destroying me. Have you thought of how to end your life?
Happiness is when you get to share a tube of toothpaste, a bathroom and a bed with the special one. The yellow faded photo hidden with tons of memories of ours. A new beginning feels like being in a stranger's car, travelling down the route you recognised, viewing the scenery you've seen, listening to the familiar music on the radio.
Thus, i realised i'm living in a big place. which is so big. So many routes, we've not passed. So many scenes, we've not see. And, those songs, oh, those everyday songs that i've not forgotten. I'll soak in a bath. It puts me in such a frame that i might enjoy the past.
Every song, there are your memories and mine too. Your smile imprinted every page of the song lyrics. So, ten years down the road, if this certain song of ours are to be played, i'll remember you. IF you and me are meant to be soul-mates, the growing path will never be alone again.
Happy or sad, it's of you.
Freedom+Happiness
what do i get in return?:
Here i am staring at my own space. I had in mind what to write but all was disorganised. I looked back at all the photos, the past, the present. Looking back at the friends that i have and had. The girls that i've dated and the lame-less countless mistakes that i've made.
How many perfectly fine women am i gonna reject over the MOST superficial, insignificant things? Too loud, too smart, too tall, big gums, makes nosie when she eats... i may have exaggerated but this is me. This is what i do. I'm gonna end up alone! Look at all the train-stops, i'm gonna pull through. Bitter-town -> Alone-ville -> Hermit-junction!
What if i never find somebody, or even worst what if i already found her, but i dumped her because she mis-pronounce "supposedly"?! All my friends gonna get married and i end up alone. Promise me, my dear friends, when you guys are all happily married, DO invite me over for holidays.
I'm gonna die alone. Now, all i've to do is to get a snake. If i'm gonna be an old lonely woman, and i'm gonna need 'a thing'. You know, I'b crazy woman with snake. Crazy Snake Woman! And i'll get more snakes, called them my babies, kids will walked past my place, they'll run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE WOMAN!
Crazy me! I reject anyone who's crazy enough to go out with me and i bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there! ARGH! I've no idea why i blogged about this whole facts, maybe because it has been in my heart for quite sometime and i've no courage to face it. Well, i did, last night to someone. =) The perfection of the imperfect.
Maybe i do know what i want now. Maybe most people don't have a clue. I'm ready to take risks, ready to be vulnerable all over again and be intimate with someone. I'M NOT GONNA END UP ALONE! I'm ready to make an commitment.[maybe?=)] heh. We'll see, my friends... we'll see...
it got me.
deeply:
The last few days got me thinking on alot of stuffs. My school, my emotions, my family, my friends... i've to admit i'm SUPER lazy now. With regards to anything... i want/wish to explain why but i feel that my life has reached a point that it's rejecting EVERYTHING!
I always thank God for alot of things [i do!]. I know i'm lucky, okay, i do abuse my luck at times and try to push a little further on it. But the fact that i know and i appreaciate! My social life still pretty much the same. The motto: Drink and have fun.
I met this girl. Normally, i would try my best to understand and open myself up to another stranger. But with her, it's all jokes and i listen. Not that i don't listen in the past, it's more like a 1 way than a 2-way relationship for now. It's bad. i can't help it. Re-issue a new heart to me then.
Her eyes. Big. Intense. I adore the dimple[s]. The smile. The piercing she had on her collar bone. [Did i mention Rach find it very sexy? haha.] Her strong features... ok, i'm not talking about some apes here. She's authentic. She speaks with the strong English accent. Smells wonderfully gorgeous. The scent suits her. Do i sound like i'm crazily over her? I should be BUT i'm not.
It explains: The sad case of ELLEN. I'm not jaded. I'm not heart broken. I'm not, not moving on. I'm plain lazy. I went out with her a couple of times [okok, 2 times.], she's she. She, we talked about everything, anything. She, we msn and sms to each other. From studio apartments to ex[s] to drinks to family[?]... like i mention, she talks and i listen.
Sad Ellen is being very surface about this whole issue. I met up with her few hours ago. We[Ashley, Xinning, Gerkiel, Rachel, She & me] went drinking at Indo Chine. She being she bought my usual sweets for me. Two packs! She being she respected me. Certain times, i do not want to share my past, she did not probe. She being she ... got me ... thinking about her...
My mind is replaying every moment of the scene when she mention that she did something to her wonderful self. I wasn't scare nor was i taken aback. NOONE is perfect and i apply that to God as well. She wasn't proud of it, i know. Because i saw. I felt it at that moment.
One thing for sure, she had me thinking about her more than usual... =)
My Grand Mummy.
I love her:
My Grandma, the person i hated in half of my twenty one years in life. 3 years ago, she was wheel-chair bound. I had a total different prospect of her all over again. Now, she is hospitalised and everytime i stare closely at her...
My brother and me were brought up by my grand-parents. I always prefer my grand-daddy to grandma. I've no idea why but even now, i still prefer my dad to mum. Maybe because i'm a lady and the biological terms just click.
1994, my grandpa passed away. That kinda mark the starting of my hatred for grandma. In my vision, noone will ever shower me with candies and protect me from caning like grandpa did. I miss him.
Grandma adores my brother more than me. You know, like the old saying goes... Men are the ones that KINDA continue the family name...etc. So, ya... i became really rebellious and my war with her started.
I started to steal money from her. I could not make out why i would steal, i've more than enough to spend. Maybe the occasional biased 'charity' she give out tempted me to. She is so freaking biased that she can [infront of brother & me] gave him $5 and me a few cents? I was like, 'what the hell was that?! you might as well just keep that!'
The laughable scene was she can get so irritating, she can just wake up really early and open the room curtains. According to her, fresh air is what we needed. She can be so paranoid when she has a slight headache. She'll called the whole kampong down and demand 102% attention!
Now, she is this helpless lady. This lady, i was looking at her for 2 hours yesterday. And since she have been hospitalised, i can't helped but tears just swell up at my eyes. I love her when i played my dancing flower and a smile will appear on her face. or when i held Holey moley, she will request it to be by her side.
Untrained Ninja:she is holdin holey moley the whole time
Untrained Ninja: =) thks timo
Untrained Ninja: she loves holey alot
Untrained Ninja: when i took holey away frm her.. in the ward cos the nurse cleanin her up... thru the glass window, she was stretchin her hands n kinda askin for holey...
tog: isit? so cute! hahaa
tog: serious?
Untrained Ninja: ya. the nurses all ask, "is that a pig?"
Untrained Ninja: haha
tog: =) i really hope she gets btr
Tomorrow, she is going through her operation. Please pray for her. I got a bad feeling on it. But doctor recomended. She have the risk of having heart failure during the operation. I want her to get better. I love you, grand mummy.
A day of Toffee
Love him so much that my heart...:
I'm missing Toffee as i'm writing this blog entry. He is my soul, my life... my man! =) Well, reaching two years of his life... he sure is ready for a girlfriend and i'm expecting to see little pups hopping around the house... =)
I went down to Chinatown for the opening ceremony. As Avril's mum know the MP of that area. We got the VIP seats although it was raining and not much of the VIP treatment around...unlike our M.M, Father Lee. He has nice seating where rain can't get him. With much respect to you sir...
Good View and great fireworks! After the whole show, i'm back home here. Drank alittle, and am wondering what should i be doing ... i want to sleep but i can't. Avril was msn-ing with me typing this: omg... i'm so dying of lust! [who isnt?!]
tsk tsk, lady... chill lah. You've Toffee by your side. Aiyo. 14th Jan, Mabel's mum wedding day. 21st Jan, Cat's belated birthday celebration... Another week, Chinese New Year... My January weekend(s) all burn out!
Hey. Rach coming over tomorrow. heh. wel, at least something to keep me up on my toes. haha. That silly woman... Alright. i'm tired... as usual. I should rest. Night Toffee, Night Holey Moley...Night, Untrained Ninja. Night, you.
Goodbye Toffee.I miss you.
Toffee tired...of my nagging.
I started to chat-up with Toffee.
Toffee seems to understand...
toffee:One of his sexy pose.
The normal day
Just got home:
i was thinking of what to blog as my hair is going through the process of drying up. I'm lazy to blow dry it... as the matter of fact. I'm lazier to even blog... So, maybe i can introduce my character to all of you viewers out there:
Untrained Ninja. Brief introduction of this blur cock:it is based on me, as i can be quite a kuku at times. My friends would be nodding their head at this point. NEVERTHELESS, i'm a smart kuku. haha. Anyway, it started off when i wanted to write some cheesy/funny story to this crush i had. I did not hand her the story. Thus, you people can take a look:
Once upon a time, legend has it that M&Ms are the precious candy in e world. And so, it begins, an untrained Ninja tries to climb through the windows of the factory to steal. This Ninja, besides eating and sleeping at day, he is a superhero by night; it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.
Desperate Ninja posted an ad in the newspaper: SUPERHERO FOR HIRE. GOING CHEAP. CALL 1900-cheap-hero FOR SUPER HELP.
An evil organization came knocking on his door. they need the precious M&Ms candies. Untrained Ninja Accepted the 'hero-job' and we're back to scene1. [refer to paragraph one if you're lost.] Untrained Ninja slowly tipped toe, fly, jump, skip, hop... you get the picture lah. Suddenly, he spotted somehting sparkling from the far end...
You see, i ran out of inspirations... but i believe Untrained ninja will be back! Stay tune! =)
The amt of drinks i had at Zoukout.
It's just another day passed...
ohh...:
Just another day at Alley Bar. I had a full day expedition. I could not say much to school as i did not attend any of the lessons... =) I caught a movie with Rachel, The Family Stone... heart warming indeed. I needed that kind of dose at the right time.
Thank you, Daphne for her lovely toy from China. Rach forced me to buy this cough mixture and i'm staring at it now, not knowing whether should i wait for my drink to subside first... sigh. School reopening... i'm so loss on a lot of things...
Soon, Chinese New Year and before i know it... It's the bloody time of the year... A brand new year. I know my blog has been pretty random... Mum says Rach eat quite a lot compared to her size. Hell ya! She can eat a hole out of my pocket anytime...
Cindy... If you're reading this paragraph, DO come my house again... I know it's bored the other day but i still do love your company.. at least it's refreshing unlike that pig head... haha. We should go out often eh.
I'm so tired...
Be nice to Ellen 2006
Kiss Goodbye:
I can't really describe my year 2005. I have my most up(s) and down(s) within this year. I made some new friends and lost a few old ones. It's not that i can't be bothered to keep in touch.. but it's the bonding and the time that i lost to...
Despite the long year that i had, i met this awesome lady, Rachel Goh. 3 months. I believe at times, we can so read each other's thinkings... I want to Thank her for her... Thank you. Timo & Sanch, you're always on my mind. Kaini, Yingru, Xueli, Feli, Grace and Ziyun... it's another year... almost a decade is our friendship... =) I love you ladies.
Towards relationships, i've learned from mistakes and get over the past. The time has come for me to really move on and not think of the past. I do missed it at the darkest times because it kept me warm... Nevertheless, what's lost, i can't take back and i never will... Blessed year ahead.
Half a year more, my degree will be over and i mostly will be out working... it's a scary world and although, as old as i am (just hit 21 years old), i still hate the working world! It's a different world to handle and i'm so numb to certain issues now...
Thus, not to mention, we drink too much, smoke too much, spend too much, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much and pray too seldom.
We multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. we talked too much, love too seldom and hate too often. we've learned how to make a living but not a life.
We've added years to life, not life to years...
Merry New Year! Huat ah!
