rolls of water...down the drain.

I finally broke down...

I finally broke down, and cried real bad. As i was walking home, i held back my tears, either that or the wind was really strong that it blew my tears away. A message came in and part of it mentioned, "i miss you.." Awful memories of the past flash back right at the back of my mind. That's when the tears dropped...

I was looking forward on meeting her today. Plans changed (again) and thus we could not meet up. Somehow, i felt a sharp pain in my heart, but i do not understand how it could get so painful. Through-out my meeting, i was trying to make myself feel better but i failed. I realised how much i was disgusted with myself being such an ass, a petty ass!

Feeling angry with myself was one thing,
feeling upset with her was another.

2 years back, my ex love/like to stood me up on dates/ occassions/ normal outings etc. It was never a "YES" or "NO" answer. It ws always "see how", we'll see how it goes tomm" kind of replies. The fact that i cant get a proper answer from her make me feel like i'm hanging in the air. And when this matter happens, i will get very upset when she stood me up and she chose to ignore me for the next couple of days.

When the couple of days are due, there come a message that says "i miss you..." It's awfully familiar and i immediately felt a strong protective shield covering my heart up. If you miss a person so much, why cant you meet up with that person then?

Maybe Rachel is right, i've expected too much in this relationship. She was being so nirvana that day on msn, she type:"If things happened, it happens. If it doesnt, it doesnt." Maybe i should be in this nirvana state too. Loosen all my expectations and just let things be the way they are...

Who cares if she sleeps through all my morning calls, or being the least romantic person than me, or even has no clue of time... I don't care. Because i love her. SO much. Tho' it hurts... it's worth it... i know.

heart2heart

J touches my nose.

my shy J. Tan

the fun!

the boys... in us.

The little lack of security

i'm a little sad:

It always happen every now and then. I hate this kind of feelings. There's no way i can truely explain but it hurts a lot. It's the little things that is killing my little heart. I felt cold. It's sad, i'm sad.

Little things i expect from her. It always seems very far away. Or it never come... or it will come late. And in the end, i'll question myself all over again... "What's all this for?" It's sad, i'm sad. The little expectations always build up on it's own hype.

I'm worried that one day it will crash and so will i. I simply just break down. It's the little things that needs to assure me to go on in life. I can't seem to find a better way to comfort myself other than these little things.

These little tickling feelings make me feel nauseous and always get me all teared up, tensed up... it's sad, i'm sad. Maybe it's all these little busy moments that set me into that little sad mood. Maybe i'm just simply sad.

i need a holiday... a get away. Just to throw everything behind and relax on this little island with these little people. Just away... far far away... away from little things that i need, away from little needy me...