.i hate myself.

A sobby night:

It started when we were talking about gifts and cards. She mentioned that it would not be nice that if I were to present/ surprise her in the office or anywhere with her friends around.

She is sensitive to her single friends and colleagues’ feelings but not mine. From my point, she is making all these ‘rituals’ seems like I’m purposely showing off our love. In some sense. YES! But who wouldn’t?!

I’m madly in love with her. I don’t care who say or thinks about us. I know us. And that’s all I care. It was just an innocent move to surprise her! Sometimes, I feel that what I did was a sin/crime/an offense to her.

I’m not saying it’s not good to be sensitive to single friends and colleagues. I just feel that she can give me something more. Maybe the whole ‘let’s celebrate every month of our anniversary’ was a dumb idea.

To think I could loudly say to everyone that, we will keep this ‘ritual’ alive as long as we are together. Of course to not knowing that things would end up this way. The buying of gifts or cards of our special day of each month means a lot to me.

It means that despite our busy days [as we are both in theatre line], we are able to spend sometime to think of each other and take in the effort to buy each someone a lovely something.

It need not be the most expensive thing but it’s the thought that counts. I can feel it when someone does not put effort in. it sucks. Well, maybe I suck. Our whole prospective of this ‘ritual’ has never meet a common track.

I feel empty for these few days. I felt I wasn’t me when I’m with her. I did not know this thing would hit me so much. I can’t believe that I cry for so long. I know I love her, I know we still have a long way to go, I know I have to move on and not being so hung up on this ‘ritual’.

But I’m not happy. For now.

A day flew by

Norm:

It’s a pleasant day to star writing. It’s Monday. The ‘blues’ are coming to hit me soon. It’s evening time. I had a rather okay journey to work. No one smells beautifully. They all just smell good.

It rained during the early afternoon. It was cold. I was running around half of Singapore to print and I bought desserts back for everyone to enjoy. Time passes rather quickly today. I guess it’s because I’m being ignorant about the fact that there is a thing called ‘time’.

The first thing when I step into my office was to switch on my computer. The second was to pour some milk for me to drink. I need to fill up my stomach if not I’m an angry woman. I tried my temper, I know.

The worst day to come by is to listen to someone shout and yell for no reasons. She just likes to be loud. I wondered why. I will blast my music and sing along to it. I’m called the ‘Adobe Photoshop’ in my company.

The reasons are obvious. I design, I print and I produce the works. I like what I do. I would have my lunch near my office, it’s a market. It’s cheap and good. There is this lazy cat sleeping through-out the day and night. I thought it was dead, the first time I saw her.

I went home right after the knock-off time. I don’t believe in staying more than I should if I do not have any work to do. I like to conserve my energy. I have a long train journey home. I like to listen to music. I can’t do without them on my journey unless there is someone desirable to chat with.

I love my girlfriend. I know she loves me too. I would smile every time, I think of her. She is my pillar. I know it’s not easy being with her. I have my own difficulties too. The acceptance of friends and family is what I ask for.

I love her, my ah-meng.