.i hate myself.

A sobby night:

It started when we were talking about gifts and cards. She mentioned that it would not be nice that if I were to present/ surprise her in the office or anywhere with her friends around.

She is sensitive to her single friends and colleagues’ feelings but not mine. From my point, she is making all these ‘rituals’ seems like I’m purposely showing off our love. In some sense. YES! But who wouldn’t?!

I’m madly in love with her. I don’t care who say or thinks about us. I know us. And that’s all I care. It was just an innocent move to surprise her! Sometimes, I feel that what I did was a sin/crime/an offense to her.

I’m not saying it’s not good to be sensitive to single friends and colleagues. I just feel that she can give me something more. Maybe the whole ‘let’s celebrate every month of our anniversary’ was a dumb idea.

To think I could loudly say to everyone that, we will keep this ‘ritual’ alive as long as we are together. Of course to not knowing that things would end up this way. The buying of gifts or cards of our special day of each month means a lot to me.

It means that despite our busy days [as we are both in theatre line], we are able to spend sometime to think of each other and take in the effort to buy each someone a lovely something.

It need not be the most expensive thing but it’s the thought that counts. I can feel it when someone does not put effort in. it sucks. Well, maybe I suck. Our whole prospective of this ‘ritual’ has never meet a common track.

I feel empty for these few days. I felt I wasn’t me when I’m with her. I did not know this thing would hit me so much. I can’t believe that I cry for so long. I know I love her, I know we still have a long way to go, I know I have to move on and not being so hung up on this ‘ritual’.

But I’m not happy. For now.