I want to be happy.

Oh Crap:

Jesus Christ on wooden sticks. Oh, high mighty. Are you freaking playing a joke on me? You let me see something so beautiful and keep threatening to take it away from me. Am i not good enough? No! If you're using this to test my endurance. I don't have much left...

For the rest of this week, i'm going to ponder on why, what and how. My mind gonna serach for all the reasons that is going to make me feel better. When it came up to a blank wall, I'll get desperate and started looking for signs of why, what and how. And hopefully, these why, what and how would lead me to a peaceful area.

It is all about insecurities, it seems. Perhaps even the lack of self-confidence on my part. But honestly, I was more concerned that she was with me for the wrong reasons. 3 times, it happened. And all i can think of, is try to make her feel all stress-less and let her know that i'm cool about it.

BUT obviously, i'm not cool about it! How crazy can i get?! I will seek my friends and start to analysis on where i went wrong, how idiot am i, how madly did i get so involved with her. I could write the most beautiful letter to her, it may not mean anything to her now. I could paint a river so graceful, it's nothing to me. I could sing a song that angels would play their harps with me, it does not matter anymore.

"Because you made me believe that I can do anything in my life. Nothing is impossible with you by my side. You gave me strength."

It felt so right, so good. it was uncomfortable, uneasy, knowing she did not know why. Not only could I lose her anytime to anybody she might fancy for the day if there was no reason to tie us together, I became suspicious that I was only a ride to her.

Nevertheless there was nothing I could do. I had to let it be and hope one day she would realise why. Love was just not good enough for a relationship. Not to me.

mademoiselle says: we're two people who love each other but can't be there for each other.
mademoiselle says: i'm going back to my old self now..
mademoiselle says: the time when u were still a dream
mademoiselle says: i've longed for ur real luv ever since the day u tore me apart
mademoiselle says: i will never see u as my friend..u'll probably be my lover for-life
mademoiselle says: a distant lover

Ninja says: i am defeated this time...i can't say anything now.