I'm learning to breathe again

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I don't know if all these things will come back and huant me. I'm not a good person, let alone say that i'm a perfect. But i know i'm nice to the ones that care and love me for who i am. i'm still a human after-all. i err.

Sometimes, during my growing part, i wish/hope that i get less personal attacks and more true friends around. I'm pretty upset these few weeks. Actually, come to think of it, i've been very very drained the last 3 months.

i felt pretty aimless in life. I used to have all these 'big' plans and the dreams that i'm working towards. Nowadays, i seem to be so life-less and so dishearted in doing certain work. i don't know what happen to me.

i've not been sharing much of my personal life to anyone for a long long time. I meant real deep personal matters. i found out that a group of friends have betray me, real bad gossips went around. Ya, i know i'm not a good person, i do speak of lies, but i also know that the friendship that we hold, i treat it genuinely.

What bullshit on "what are friends for?", rot in hell i say. Friends bitch about each other, i jolly well do know that pretty clear. BUT they don't back-stab and spread gossips and add new interesting things. i'm disappointed.

The woman that i loved, yes, you trusted me with so many matters, things, secrets. But for sure I LOVE YOU so much that i lost track of what i'm doing. i no longer know whether am i doing that because i wanted so badly to see the changes that you can made or for the sake of being so right that you love me.

You said that i always leave you when you're about to make changes. How about the fact that whenever i said that i wanted to leave you then you realised that you need to change?! We fought this battle for so long. i'm so numb now. So, forget about it. You still don't know me after-all. You're just about you.

Thanks for making those statments. I'm really touched. You should know who i'm refering to. You & I really repel. Just accept that fact, alright. And thanks for being who you're. It really matters a lot to me now. Thank you.

Hi. I am Ellen. Pleased to meet you.